


Where did the good ole days go?

by Maurimoo14



Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Alternate Universe, Angst, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Remembers, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Epic Poetry, Hurt/Comfort, I'm so sorry, M/M, Mental Anguish, Mental Instability, Poetic, Poetry, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Protective Bucky Barnes, Psychological Torture, Sad, Sad Ending, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Torture, Tragedy, Tragic Romance, kind of
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-16
Updated: 2015-08-21
Packaged: 2018-04-14 22:58:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4583349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maurimoo14/pseuds/Maurimoo14
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>And goddamn did he miss him like the sun missed the moon.<br/>Everyday.<br/>But here he was stuck in this home that would never truly be home<br/>For he was just a broken and miserable Brooklyn boy<br/>Stuck in something a whole lot bigger than him that he would never be able to escape<br/>Except in death.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Where did the good ole days go?

**Author's Note:**

> I just wanna say I'm sorry. I was feeling really sad and down today and this is the product of it. This is my first work in the marvel fandom so. I've been wanting to write something stucky for a long time and finally I made something! I decided to make it like a really long poem for some reason idk tbh. I might post 1 or 2 too other chapters I don't really know yet. But anyway leave comments on what you thought of it please!
> 
> Thanks -m.m.w

Best friends since they could remember

Meeting in the tiny stone alley off the major road at the time in Brooklyn

One became the protector of the other

He was strong, even when he was young

The other was tiny, sickly even

But he had a tough mind

Opinionated and stubborn

That got him into trouble too often. 

 

They were always together 

’til the end of the line’ they said 

even promised each other it.  

Then one day one boy left to serve 

something the other could never do.

 

But things change

They always do

like the seasons

 

And he became something

Something great 

Something like out of a dream 

Something like a god

Out of greek mythology

Strong and inhuman

 

What happened?

Where did the good ole days go?

 

The other was stuck in inhospitable places worrying 

As always 

About the sickly boy 

Who was no more

The one that he had promised ’til the end of the line’ to.

 

But of course, the god-like boy followed the other

His best friend, the one he loved into war

He always did.

 

When they saw one another again

one didn’t recognize the other

But the other, well he sure as hell recognized the boy

Who left

The one he had promised he’d wait for at home

 

But he, he was never really good at following orders.

 

What happened? 

Where did the good ole days go?

 

They fought together, got wounded together, captured together

But they were always together 

And that’s all that mattered

They were happy. 

 

Snow covered mountains, undisturbed by anything 

Except for tiny train tracks covered by the drifting snow

Winter sun barely seen behind the stormy clouds

Different shades of gray streaking the vast, beautiful sky.  

 

Swaying in the bitter wind 

Wind swooshing past them at lightning speed 

Snow whipping their faces and blurring their vision

Running stealthily along the train 

Until the target was reached

 

Bullets ricocheting off the cold metal walls 

Bitter wind surrounding the train car from the open doors

A punch here, a jab there, upper cut, right hook 

And one’s out

 

But the other boy’s struggling 

Staggering, fighting closer and closer to the open doors

While the god-like boy is trying reach him to help 

But he feels like he’s moving through jello

Too slowly 

Too exhausted

 

A punch from the enemy and the boy’s stumbling backwards reaching for anything 

But all he finds is a rail on the open door

And finally the god-like boy snaps to action 

Breaking the enemy’s neck with little hesitation or energy

 

Before he’s sprinting to the door

Reaching out, grabbing, desperately,

But he catches in his hand is crisp air and little flakes of snow

Because just like that, like a snap of the fingers, he’s gone

His best friend, the one he loves.

 

Falling and falling into the grim mouths of the snow covered mountains

Emerged in darkness, gone

Gone from view, leaving the god-like boy on the train

Broken and sobbing

And praying it was just a dream, just a dream,

And when he woke up he would be back in Brooklyn

Lying next to him 

An arm gently wrapped around him.

 

He didn’t want to be a hero

Never wanted to 

He wasn’t one at all

For it was his fault the other died.

 

Maybe if he hadn’t taken so long to knock out his guy 

Or if he hadn’t run out of bullets so quickly and taken more accurate shots

He could have rescued him, saved him

From his dark death

And he would be sitting there next to him

Probably laughing and promising to buy a round when they got back to base.

 

What happened?

Where did the good ole days go?

 

He was in pain.

Everyday.

For weeks to come.

 

They both were

He tried not show it

He tried drowning in alcohol 

But it only just reminded him of all the memories

Too many

There were too many goddamn memories

Nothing helped 

Nothing ever would.

 

And goddamn did he miss him like the sun missed the moon.

Everyday.

But here he was stuck in this home that would never truly be home

For he was just a broken and miserable Brooklyn boy

Stuck in something a whole lot bigger than him that he would never be able to escape

Except in death.  

 

The other was becoming something 

Something too dangerous

Something too quick 

Something too complaisant

Pain was his only constant 

 

He could no longer remember 

Anything.

Who he was.

Where he came from.

Who he loved with all his heart.

Even what a beer tasted like.

Pain was all he knew anymore. 

 

No longer was he the strong boy from Brooklyn

 

But a broken and unstable machine.  

 

What happened?

Where did the good ole days go? 

 


	2. What's so special about this guy?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The enemy is still there  
> Hidden everywhere  
> Creeping in the shadows  
> Taunting him   
> Teasing him  
> You’ll never kill us   
> All.
> 
> We'll always be here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second part. I might actually make this a little longer than I thought I would. Comments appreciated. What's your opinion of this part? My friends only read the first part so idk about the rest...

Same routine everyday

For both.

Bullet after bullet

Fight or 

Die. 

Kill. Kill. Kill.

 

One was seeking retribution

Or something 

Was it

For pride

Or

For him

The one he couldn’t

Save?

 

The other wasn’t doing it willingly

But out of fear

And it’s the only thing he knows.

Killing. 

 

So engraved in every fiber 

His first instinct.

Kill.

Then 

Defend. 

 

They both had gunshots ringing in their ears.

Day in.

Day out.

Their hand a now permanent shade of red.

 

Pain was a constant

One’s was mental

Chipping away at his heart everyday

Leaving him empty like a wasteland

Praying for a day that the pain

Vanishes.

 

The other’s was physical

And mental

Shock after Shock

Who am I? 

Зимний солдат 

They say

He doesn’t believe it.

 

Submerged in liquid

For what seems like days 

When will it end?

When you obey.

 

Panic is all the god-like boy feels here and now

Where do I go?

What do I do with the bomb?

 

I’m not going to make it out of this.

 

But at least I’ll be with 

Him.

 

Quick goodbyes

A turn of the steering wheel 

And he’s going

Down.

Down.

Down.

 

Coldness is all he feels 

All he can think about

 

But he feels peace  

Kind of.

He doesn’t feel dead 

But what does he know about death? 

Even though he’s been dead, empty even inside 

For a long, long time

And nothing can fix that

 

The other trains and trains

He’s a machine

A weapon

Killing and killing

He’s inhuman

Released of humanity

Or feelings.

 

Mission status? 

Complete. 

Frozen for days on end.

Next mission. Unfrozen.

Completed.

 

The other boy is found

Alive.

Barely breathing

But still

 

Alive.

 

New century.

New life.

New inventions.

 

Same pain.

Same name.

Same emptiness. 

 

Property of the United States.

 

No freedom. Not anymore.

 

But really was there ever truly 

Freedom?

 

The enemy is still there

Hidden everywhere

Creeping in the shadows

Taunting him 

Teasing him

You’ll never kill us 

All.

 

We’ll always be here. 

 

Next Mission.

 

Target.

Steve Rogers.

Location.

D.C. 

 

They wipe him several more times than usual before this mission

To not remember they say

Remember what exactly?

 

What’s so 

Special about 

This guy?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Зимний солдат- Winter Soldier


	3. Forgotten memories start to replace the new ones.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ‘Bucky?’ he hears
> 
> That word sounds familiar  
> Like a forgotten memory  
> Replaced by a new one  
> Leaving barely a trace in his mind
> 
> But there is a trace  
> However small it may be  
> And he can  
> Feel the thread connected to it  
> Wound so tightly,  
> Locked up like a safe at the back of his mind  
> Key lost many years ago,  
> Starts to loosen ever so slightly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only one more chapter after this one! Why do I like writing sad stuff??? It makes me emotional I hate it. That's all the notes I have for this chapter. 
> 
> Comments are greatly appreciated (please write what you think of the story. do you like how its written, etc. I need opinions!) 
> 
> -m.m.w.

A bullet shatters the glass of his mask  
It falls off his face  
‘Bucky?’ he hears

That word sounds familiar  
Like a forgotten memory  
Replaced by a new one  
Leaving barely a trace in his mind

But there is a trace  
However small it may be  
And he can  
Feel the thread connected to it  
Wound so tightly,  
Locked up like a safe at the back of his mind  
Key lost many years ago,  
Starts to loosen ever so slightly.

‘Who the hell is Bucky?’ is all he can  
Think to reply with to the blond,  
Steve Rogers,

Confused and  
Scared

An emotion never felt before on missions

But always at base  
With his handlers 

Finish the mission.  
He is you mission.  
It must be completed.  
His mind tells him

But before he knows it he’s running  
Sprinting as fast as he can to base  
Home

All that is revolving around his mind is  
Who is Bucky?  
Am I Bucky?  
Who is Steve Rogers?

I knew him.

————————————————————  
Still as a wooden board  
Shocked.

He’s alive. 

 

He doesn’t remember.

 

Anything.

 

Tears begin to cloud his beautiful turquoise eyes  
The pain that’s been buried in his chest always reminding him of his loss  
Since Bucky died  
Or thought he died.  
Starts to lessen for the first time in over  
Seventy years.

Only to be replaced by a sadness  
For him  
Or for himself  
He doesn’t know, maybe  
For both?

He loses track of time staring at the place  
Where he was.

Standing.  
Breathing.  
Then running  
Away.

Right before his very eyes.

———————————————————————————————

Mission Report.

Who was he? Who was he? Who was that man?

Mission Report.

I knew him. How did I know him? Who is he?

I knew him.  
He says.

Aloud.

 

Wipe him.  
Is the only answer he receives.

He’s terrified.  
He doesn’t want to lose this small piece of his past.  
The only thing he knows.

The one thing remembered.

 

Shock. Then. Pain.

And just like that it’s gone.

 

Complete the mission.  
They order.

He nods ever so slightly.  
Dazed

They are satisfied. 

————————————————————————————

He slides down the door of his apartment  
As soon as he’s inside  
Sadness taking over every fiber of his being

Tears  
A continuous river down his cheeks

He’s alive.

He’s alive.

Plays on repeat in his mind  
Causing a resurfacing of all the old memories  
When they were 

Happy.

And when he fell  
And when he believed he was gone forever.  
All the pain that he had felt was greater than any wound he received from the war

No bullet wound  
No knife wound 

Would ever compare to what it felt  
Losing the man he loved.

He knows he should feel happy  
He’s alive.

But all he feels is sadness  
And anger  
At himself  
Knowing he should have searched and he could’ve actually  
Saved him.

He also feels guilt  
Knowing that all the pain that he must’ve felt  
To completely  
Forget who  
He is  
Was because he didn’t have the strength to look for him  
When he fell from the train. 

————————————————————————————-

 

They said he’s

Unstable 

And 

Erratic.

He feels that way too

But he can’t control it. 

 

And he doesn’t know why he can’t 

Finish the mission

They say

He knows he has to complete it this time

He just wants them to be  
Proud of him

 

They finish repairing his arm  
Hand him the rest of his uniform to get dressed in  
He precedes out of routine, habit  
like a robot 

Picking up two knives to place in their spots on either sides of his belt  
Two handguns  
One holstered to his side  
One is the waistline of his pants

Finally he picks up the last knife that is placed in his boot

Doctors watch him  
Worried

Worrying when he will break down  
And when he will start to remember more

Because they know he will start to remember eventually

Inevitable he will, he always does.


End file.
